Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. (1 John 2:15)
While Christians are supposed to keep their eyes on the prize to come, I have my eyes on lunch. Continuing with last Sunday's theme of the sacred mundane, I present to you part II of my personal Bible: The Culinary Commandments.
Maybe the following commandments ought to be discussed in Sunday school sessions across the land, in addition to the customary 10. You know, teach the controversy. Why not let children hear alternatives so they can choose for themselves?
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The Lord of my stomach spake the Commandments (which had been scribbled upon the most holy index card and attached to the fridge with a kitty-cat magnet). The kitchen echoed with these words:
Thou shalt put no other Lords before me, not even the Lord of thy intellect, and especially not the Lord of thy privates.
Thou shalt not make graven images in thy mashed potatoes, nor shall thy wrestle naked in thy coleslaw.
Thou shalt surely kill thy fish and fowl and swine and steer and cook these before eating of them. Raw flesh is food of foreigners and trendy infidels. Thou must save thyself from the temptation to sample a bite.
Thou shalt not steal the plumpest shrimp from the platter before thine dinner guests arrive. Thou shalt nibble on the ugly little ones.
Thou shalt not lie about thine Thanksgiving pumpkin pie being made from "scratch." If thou has taken up thy can opener, thou must pay homage to Del Monte.
Thou shalt not commit an adulteration of thy pancake batter. If it ain't broke, thou shalt not go throwing chocolate chips in there.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's grilled sirloin, though the savory smoke wafts into thine open window, and thou full knowest that thou is having tunafish casserole for dinner.
Now the Lord fell silent. He pulled a package from the freezer, put it in the microwave, and set it on "defrost." The Lord continued . . . .
Remember thy napkin, and keep it in thy lap, and not just when dining with Grandma, who hath an eagle eye.
Honor thy father's and thy mother's recipes. Thou shalt never banish the blessed, original ingredients and in their stead use the lesser, "low-fat" kind. Nor shalt thou ever attempt to sneak soycheese, soyburgers, or soydogs into thine unsuspecting family's supper.
Thou shalt not bear false witness about the milk. Thou shall check the expiration date and lift it to thy nose and thy mouth. For if thy wife drinks of it, and becomes ill and perishes, she will nevermore be in the mood to be fruitful.
And finally, the Lord said, For six days shalt thou toil at thy sink and at thy stove. But on the seventh day, thou may use thy cell phone to cry out for pizza. And though that prayer will be answered, thou shalt be charged for it.
Amen.
If you read the Bible as a quasi-historical, anthropological document, it is an interesting, insightful read. Well, highly repetitive, and quite long, but interesting. If treated as an instruction manual for living in today's world--not so good. Many people do read it this way. They extract a verse from here and there to support a position they most likely already hold. And sure, the Bible contains some passages with positive teachings. Like turning the other cheek to the person who harmed you so you can take an eye for an eye. Or something. When I read the Bible as a repository of wisdom, however, I find it, in total, better suited as fodder for wisecracks. But then again, I’m a wise-cracking type of guy, so maybe it’s just me. What follows are six verses from the first few books that I fail to find wisdom in and provoked me into poking fun.
1. And thou shalt take of the blood of the bullock, and put it upon the horns of the altar with thy finger, and pour all the blood beside the bottom of the alter. And thou shalt take all the fat that covereth the inwards, and the caul that is above the liver, and the two kidneys, and fat that is upon them, and burn them upon the alter. (Exodus 29:12-13, King James Version)
Making a sacrifice to a god is a form of gambling. Or an investment. You give up something you value—a virgin, a beast, a bunch of banknotes—in hopes your minor gift will reap major rewards. And it works, provided you are very good interpreting the events of your life. If Aunt Mabel is hit by a bus and dies instantly, well, things could have been worse. Fortunately, the god you prayed to in the church you funded was merciful. Mabel could have been run over by a moped and died a slow, painful, embarrassing death.
2. Six days may work be done; but in the seventh is the sabbath of rest, holy to the LORD: whosoever doeth any work in the sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death. (Exodus 31:15)
What constitutes work? Are no dishes to be washed, no fancy foodstuffs prepared? You organized the refrigerator while reaching for the juice . . . oops. That’s work. You shall surely be pelted with ice cubes.
Now, this is just a guess, but maybe the Sabbath needed to be kept holy, with work outlawed, so people would have nothing else to do but go to the temple and keep the belief system alive and kicking. . . . And, very importantly, keep the priests housed and fed. No priests, no religion.
3. And Moses turned, and went down from the mount, and the two tables of the testimony were in his hand: the tables were written on both sides; on the one side and on the other were they written. And the tables were the work of God, and the writing was the writing of God, graven upon the tables. (Exodus 32:15-16)
Doesn’t "both sides" mean one side and the other? Is this a test? A God himself wrote on the tablets--he swears he did. You can check the John Hancock. I think whenever a preacher today tells us he has received a message from his god, people should demand to see it in writing. And then verify the signature.
4. And he said unto them, Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and go in and out from gate to gate throughout the camp, and slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbor. (Exodus 32:27)
If the Lord said, "Go jump off a cliff, and leave your parachute and helmet behind," would you? If a voice in your head told you to picket (or worse) the local abortion clinic, would you? If the charismatic minister of a mega-church told you to fork over 10% of your earnings to him . . . er, his god . . . and you knew the minister had a country-club membership while you couldn’t afford the greens fees at the local mini-golf fun park, would you? If . . . . Oh, never mind.
5. But ye shall destroy their alters, break their images, and cut down their groves: For thou shalt worship no other God: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God. (Exodus 34:13-14)
What could the almighty, maker of heaven and earth, be jealous of? The lesser gods? Why would the one-and-only most high omniscient and omnibenevolent dude be jealous? Did he covet another god’s congregation?
6. And the priest shall burn them upon the altar: it is the food of the offering made by the fire for a sweet savour: all of the fat is the LORD’S. (Leviticus 3:16)
Why are the bones not the Lord’s? Who gets the bones? What about the liver? Save the liver! (From the Julia Childs Cooking Bible, chapter 3, verse 11.) Fat burns impressively, giving off smoke and and smell. Meat and not bones, not so much. Imagine a religion today that insisted their god got all the meat, the preachers the fat, and the people the bones. My guess is that one wouldn't be very popular. And their festival feasts would be soupy affairs.
Not a half mile from our house is a small church that sits beneath tall oaks. Last holiday season the marquee in front of it featured the following Bible verse:
The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel" (Matthew 1:23, New International Version).
Upon spying it I wondered, "Why don't Christians across the globe speak of Immanuel as their personal lord and savior? Why, when weekend carpenters smash their thumbs with a hammer, do they not cry out Immanuel Friggin' Christ!"
Conduct a keyword search of the Bible for "Immanuel" and you will get 4 hits. Three are in the Old Testament and one is in the New. Why did Matthew write, they will call him Immanuel, when they obviously didn't and don't?
The answer, to those with clear minds and honest dispositions, is that Matthew needed to elevate his favorite messiah (the meaning of "Christ") above all others. And so Matthew refers to a "prophecy" contained in the Old Testament. Trouble is, the prophecy didn't mention a Jesus. But Matthew used it anyway.
Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel. (Isaiah 7:14).
Matthew's verse is bogus in another way: He intentionally or ignorantly mistranslates the Hebrew "alma" -- which means "young woman" -- as "virgin." To confirm this, consult the Hebrew Bible. Most Christian Bibles continue to "correct" Matthew's mistake by wording Isaiah in the form favorable to their dogma. Essential, even.
More mind-boggling is Matthew's assertion that they will call the miraculous child "Immanuel." Again, they didn't and don't. Nowhere else in the New Testament does the name appear. Not a single additional mention.
Weird.
This coming December 25th, how many Christian parents will instruct their child to put the small figurine of "baby Immanuel" into the family's miniature Nativity scene? My bet is next to zero. And that's how much sense quoting that particular passage of Matthew makes. To outsiders such is the nature of religious dogma in general. Not because outsiders can't see the truth. Because they freely can.
I am not a Christian. Therefore, if I were to ask a true Christian -- a person brimming with good Christian values, the propaganda goes -- "What will happen to me when I die?" they would have to say, if honest, "You are going to hell."
How would I respond? I might remark, "Actually, that's not true. I know for a fact that when I die I'm going to Vermont . . . which is the polar opposite of hell, at least in terms of climate."
There would be some truth to my words. My wife and I have a burial plot in a small hillside graveyard off a dirt road in the boondocks of Vermont. It is staggeringly beautiful there. Unfortunately, I'm sure I won't appreciate the view from six feet under. But that's where my ashes will go. I'm fairly certain.
In my response to the Christian, I might further ask, "Why is there no mention of a heavenly afterlife in 70% of the Bible? It's the first 70%, at that."
Noah, Joseph, Jacob, David, Solomon, Job . . . . No heaven for them (see 2 Kings 1:10; 2 Kings 10:35; 2 Kings 13:20; 2 Chronicles 9:31; 2 Chronicles 16:30; 2 Chronicles 23:16; Job 7:21; Job 14:10; Job 17:1; Job 30:23; Job 42:16; Psalms 4:8; Psalms 128:6; Ecclesiastes 3:19, etc.). Their reward for faith in a god: land, many children, many days. After they lived to a ripe old age they simply died and were buried.
"And then he rested with his fathers," is not the same as, "and then he ascended unto heaven." "He rested with his fathers" was a nice way of saying his bones joined the bones of his relatives in the family plot. Also, it was indeed a more desired way to end your days than to, say, have your bones thrown in a trash heap due to low status in life and/or getting killed by a conquering people.
Why is this central component to Christianity -- assuring oneself a place in a great kingdom in the sky -- a relative afterthought in the Bible rather than a consistent, core theme?
Why no heaven for Abraham, no heaven for Moses? Did the supposedly singular god of the Bible change his mind? [Queue the clever rationalizations of believers...]
My answer: the Bible is a compilation of books by human writers who had no supernatural guidance.
In his book, Religion Explained, Pascal Boyer wrote, ". . . accidents happen, people want to know why, if they have gods and spirits they can say why."
IF the mammoth oak next to farmer Joe's house topples over and squashes flat his brand-new, four-wheel-drive John Deere -- on a day devoid of wind -- not many people would muse, "Must have been our god's will." After all, what could the tractor have done to deserve such a fate? But wait a minute, was Joe having an affair? Maybe this was a sign. Or maybe this was his god's way of helping to liberate Joe from his debts, via chapter 11, so that he and his wife could finally move to town and become the grandparents they always wanted to be. You just never know. Only a god knows. He or someone with a Ouija board.
Upon reaching a stage of sufficient cognitive development, children will pester their parents with a seemingly never-ending string of "Why?" and "How come?" questions. Over-taxed moms and dads bring a terminus to the test of their erudition and patience by pulling a Just because! out of their hat. Their emotional tone tells the child to just leave it at that and leave it alone. Can't you see I'm out of answers! So here, take this "just because" and cork your curiosity-hole with it. For goodness sake, go watch t.v. or something.
For adults needing tidy answers, there is religion and a god so mightily handy he can provide reasons for everything -- whether or not those reasons clarify the matter in any way or form a coherent whole.
Why do bad things happen to good people? Let's, see . . . Jeremiah, chapter 2, verse 3 reads, Just because.
How nice -- a tidy answer. Any string of frustratingly unresolved questions can stop right there. Read the Bible, or better yet, go sit through a 20 minute sermon one Sunday morning a week. All your confusion will get tied up in a bow. There you have it. Now go outside and play.
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