Imagine you have walked over miles of desert sands. You discover a pecan pie. The nuts are spread across the top in an obvious pattern, and the crust has a perfectly crimped edge. It is beautiful. And it smells divine. You conclude, nothing like this could have happened by chance. This pie must therefore have a baker.
The above is my proof that life on earth is not the result of random evolution but of a fulfilled recipe. In other words, where you find a pie, you will always discover a baker . . . unless of course, it is a Marie Calendar pie, in which case, where you find a pie in a cardboard box, you will discover a fully automated factory. But nevermind that.
Allow me to share the first book of my personal Bible. I call it, "The Genesis of Dessert."
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"This is not real coffee!" the Lord bellowed.
It was the first day, very early, and the Lord of my stomach had made coffee. The Lord had separated the coffee of darkness from the coffee of lightness. Upon sampling the light, he cried in disgust. Upon tasting the coffee of darkness, the pure breakfast beverage, he said, "now this is coffee. And it is good."
The Lord then divided the Columbian from the beans Arabica, and he drove the lesser beans from the kingdom of the kitchen.
On the second day, the Lord separated the bagel from the English muffin. He sprinkled seeds of the earth, seeds of poppy and seeds of sesame, onto the bagel. He cleaved the bagel. And he toasted it.
The Lord took the whiteness that didn't belong in the coffee, and he smote the whiteness. Behold, there was butter. The Lord spread the butter over the firmness of the bagel. And it was good.
During the third day, the Lord beheld a potato bun, and a chorus of angels sang. He divided the top half of the bun from the bottom. And it was so. And the Lord said, "let all the condiments be gathered together, and all the luncheon meats be gathered together, and all the luncheon cheeses be gathered together -- but not American cheese, for it is the work of the devil."
And the Lord brought forth from the fruit of the earth some lettuce, some tomato, and some red onion very thinly sliced. From this chaos the Lord fashioned a heavenly sandwich. And it was good enough to knock his socks off, had the Lord been wearing socks.
On the fifth day the Lord flossed his teeth. Upon his toothbrush he laid Super Tarter Control toothpaste. And he brushed. And he gargled.
On the sixth day the toaster became possessed. A great pillar of smoke arose and a vision of Julia Child appeared. Archangel Julia spoke unto The Lord, and he was moved. The Lord took dictation onto an index card. He recorded ten Culinary Commandments. Yay, now all would know the way to eternal . . . salivation.
The Lord searched far and wide for a place to enshrine the most holy index card. And then he knew. The Lord affixed the Commandments to his refrigerator with a kitty-cat magnet.
The Lord descended onto his lounge chair, and he reclined. During this seventh day, he rested.
And on this seventh day the beasts of the earth, the Broncos, took to the field of the chosen team, the Patriots of the air game. Saint Tebow was shewn no mercy, and was made feeble by the blitz. And the Denver run-option was kaput.
The Lord raised his hand and pressed a finger, and football was no more.
On the eighth day the Lord put away the dishes: he stacked the plates, he sorted the silverware, and he tossed the Tupperware into the cabinet and closed the door quickly, before it could topple back out.
And the Lord of my stomach spoke yet again. He proclaimed, "For those who follow my Commandments, there will be pie for dessert!"
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[next week: the Ten Culinary Commandments revealed]
P.S. Biological life is nothing like pecan pie.
From my book, The Naked Bible: An Irreverent Exposure of Bible Verses, Versions, and Meanings that Preachers Dishonestly Ignore, Chapter 22 -- "Those Harlots at the Car Wash"
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Despite the claims that religions promote universal love, what they best promote is love-for and loyalty-to the ‘brothers’ in one’s own group.(21) Why? If we look at the nature of social groups, it is highly likely that from the family unit came extended-family units--clans. With further extension we get tribes, collections of actual brothers and sisters and virtual brothers and sisters. These early groups had individuals bonded together for reasons of safety and the procurement and protecti0n of resources. The groups were territorial and competed against other groups. As Paul Ehrlich writes,
“Territories are typically established to protect or monopolize resources, mates, or offspring, and animals may defend territories against a wide variety of potential competitors.” (22)
The human animal is no exception. In fact, we excel at drawing group lines and defending our groups. Furthermore, we often seek to expand our group and to even eliminate competing groups when they get in our way or threaten us. As these Biblical verses testify:
Our sister, may you increase to thousands upon thousands; may your offspring possess the gates of their enemies." (Genesis 24:60)
“Our sister.” One of us. Where there is an ‘us,’ there is a ‘them.’
I will grant peace in the land, and you will lie down and no one will make you afraid. I will remove savage beasts from the land, and the sword will not pass through your country. You will pursue your enemies, and they will fall by the sword before you. (Leviticus 26:6-7)
Who wouldn’t want a powerful ally like this? Who wouldn’t accept this Lord as their leader?
Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield. (Genesis 15:1)
While a supernatural agent has no real ability to protect you from harm, being part of a strong social group can. By encouraging individuals to follow a mighty leader, individuals gain strength in numbers.
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(21) Wilson, D.S. Darwin’s Cathedral: Evolution, Religion, and the Nature of Society, University of Chicago, Chicago, 2002, p. 217
(22) Ehrlich, P. R., Human Natures: Genes, Cultures, and the Human Prospect, Island Press,Washington, D.C., 2000, p. 177
I like to visit "holy places." They can be quite stunning, visually. And sometimes I acquire insights there--no, not about supposed supernatural phenomena, but about sub-conscious ones: those instincts and drives and feelings that motivate people to build and decorate their sacred places.
Hispanic shrine, Albuquerque, NM.
Catholic church, Cefalu, Sicily.
Basement room in an ancient cathedral in Tusa, Sicily. To enter you must descend a staircase down a opening in the floor of the church. My guess is that they kept the bones of deceased church members in pottery jars that went in the partitions to the right. The benches were for praying while visiting the remains.
If you read the Bible as a quasi-historical, anthropological document, it is an interesting, insightful read. Well, highly repetitive, and quite long, but interesting. If treated as an instruction manual for living in today's world--not so good. Many people do read it this way. They extract a verse from here and there to support a position they most likely already hold. And sure, the Bible contains some passages with positive teachings. Like turning the other cheek to the person who harmed you so you can take an eye for an eye. Or something. When I read the Bible as a repository of wisdom, however, I find it, in total, better suited as fodder for wisecracks. But then again, I’m a wise-cracking type of guy, so maybe it’s just me. What follows are six verses from the first few books that I fail to find wisdom in and provoked me into poking fun.
1. And thou shalt take of the blood of the bullock, and put it upon the horns of the altar with thy finger, and pour all the blood beside the bottom of the alter. And thou shalt take all the fat that covereth the inwards, and the caul that is above the liver, and the two kidneys, and fat that is upon them, and burn them upon the alter. (Exodus 29:12-13, King James Version)
Making a sacrifice to a god is a form of gambling. Or an investment. You give up something you value—a virgin, a beast, a bunch of banknotes—in hopes your minor gift will reap major rewards. And it works, provided you are very good interpreting the events of your life. If Aunt Mabel is hit by a bus and dies instantly, well, things could have been worse. Fortunately, the god you prayed to in the church you funded was merciful. Mabel could have been run over by a moped and died a slow, painful, embarrassing death.
2. Six days may work be done; but in the seventh is the sabbath of rest, holy to the LORD: whosoever doeth any work in the sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death. (Exodus 31:15)
What constitutes work? Are no dishes to be washed, no fancy foodstuffs prepared? You organized the refrigerator while reaching for the juice . . . oops. That’s work. You shall surely be pelted with ice cubes.
Now, this is just a guess, but maybe the Sabbath needed to be kept holy, with work outlawed, so people would have nothing else to do but go to the temple and keep the belief system alive and kicking. . . . And, very importantly, keep the priests housed and fed. No priests, no religion.
3. And Moses turned, and went down from the mount, and the two tables of the testimony were in his hand: the tables were written on both sides; on the one side and on the other were they written. And the tables were the work of God, and the writing was the writing of God, graven upon the tables. (Exodus 32:15-16)
Doesn’t "both sides" mean one side and the other? Is this a test? A God himself wrote on the tablets--he swears he did. You can check the John Hancock. I think whenever a preacher today tells us he has received a message from his god, people should demand to see it in writing. And then verify the signature.
4. And he said unto them, Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and go in and out from gate to gate throughout the camp, and slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbor. (Exodus 32:27)
If the Lord said, "Go jump off a cliff, and leave your parachute and helmet behind," would you? If a voice in your head told you to picket (or worse) the local abortion clinic, would you? If the charismatic minister of a mega-church told you to fork over 10% of your earnings to him . . . er, his god . . . and you knew the minister had a country-club membership while you couldn’t afford the greens fees at the local mini-golf fun park, would you? If . . . . Oh, never mind.
5. But ye shall destroy their alters, break their images, and cut down their groves: For thou shalt worship no other God: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God. (Exodus 34:13-14)
What could the almighty, maker of heaven and earth, be jealous of? The lesser gods? Why would the one-and-only most high omniscient and omnibenevolent dude be jealous? Did he covet another god’s congregation?
6. And the priest shall burn them upon the altar: it is the food of the offering made by the fire for a sweet savour: all of the fat is the LORD’S. (Leviticus 3:16)
Why are the bones not the Lord’s? Who gets the bones? What about the liver? Save the liver! (From the Julia Childs Cooking Bible, chapter 3, verse 11.) Fat burns impressively, giving off smoke and and smell. Meat and not bones, not so much. Imagine a religion today that insisted their god got all the meat, the preachers the fat, and the people the bones. My guess is that one wouldn't be very popular. And their festival feasts would be soupy affairs.
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