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I remember watching an episode of Penn and Teller’s HBO series “Bullshit!” and reacting to something Penn Jillette said with an enthusiastic “huzzah!”
What had he said? That more people should read the Bible. Because we need more atheists.
Which made sense to me. The first time I read the whole dang thing through as an adult I was amazed by what was in it. And further amazed that people could consider it a holy book.
But I’m not your average reader. In fact, there is no such animal as an average reader. As new research suggests. In, How you read the Bible is tied to fellow worshippers’ education, Baylor researcher finds, I read:
Regardless of a person’s educational background, he or she is less likely to approach the Bible in a literal word-for-word fashion when surrounded by a greater number of church members who went to college, according to a Baylor University sociology researcher.
Oh. So blunt familiarity with the Bible may not help liberate folk. Notice that the finding was not about the individual’s education level, but that of their peers. Social environments matter.
For me this reinforces the idea that atheists and humanists need to speak up more. Why? We are members of many social groups. And a social group can influence the thinking of others, even if it is ever so subtly.
Imagine you have walked over miles of desert sands. You discover a pecan pie. The nuts are spread across the top in an obvious pattern, and the crust has a perfectly crimped edge. It is beautiful. And it smells divine. You conclude, nothing like this could have happened by chance. This pie must therefore have a baker.
The above is my proof that life on earth is not the result of random evolution but of a fulfilled recipe. In other words, where you find a pie, you will always discover a baker . . . unless of course, it is a Marie Calendar pie, in which case, where you find a pie in a cardboard box, you will discover a fully automated factory. But nevermind that.
Allow me to share the first book of my personal Bible. I call it, “The Genesis of Dessert.”
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“This is not real coffee!” the Lord bellowed.
It was the first day, very early, and the Lord of my stomach had made coffee. The Lord had separated the coffee of darkness from the coffee of lightness. Upon sampling the light, he cried in disgust. Upon tasting the coffee of darkness, the pure breakfast beverage, he said, “now this is coffee. And it is good.”
The Lord then divided the Columbian from the beans Arabica, and he drove the lesser beans from the kingdom of the kitchen.
On the second day, the Lord separated the bagel from the English muffin. He sprinkled seeds of the earth, seeds of poppy and seeds of sesame, onto the bagel. He cleaved the bagel. And he toasted it.
The Lord took the whiteness that didn’t belong in the coffee, and he smote the whiteness. Behold, there was butter. The Lord spread the butter over the firmness of the bagel. And it was good.
During the third day, the Lord beheld a potato bun, and a chorus of angels sang. He divided the top half of the bun from the bottom. And it was so. And the Lord said, “let all the condiments be gathered together, and all the luncheon meats be gathered together, and all the luncheon cheeses be gathered together — but not American cheese, for it is the work of the devil.”
And the Lord brought forth from the fruit of the earth some lettuce, some tomato, and some red onion very thinly sliced. From this chaos the Lord fashioned a heavenly sandwich. And it was good enough to knock his socks off, had the Lord been wearing socks.
On the fifth day the Lord flossed his teeth. Upon his toothbrush he laid Super Tarter Control toothpaste. And he brushed. And he gargled.
On the sixth day the toaster became possessed. A great pillar of smoke arose and a vision of Julia Child appeared. Archangel Julia spoke unto The Lord, and he was moved. The Lord took dictation onto an index card. He recorded ten Culinary Commandments. Yay, now all would know the way to eternal . . . salivation.
The Lord searched far and wide for a place to enshrine the most holy index card. And then he knew. The Lord affixed the Commandments to his refrigerator with a kitty-cat magnet.
The Lord descended onto his lounge chair, and he reclined. During this seventh day, he rested.
And on this seventh day the beasts of the earth, the Broncos, took to the field of the chosen team, the Patriots of the air game. Saint Tebow was shewn no mercy, and was made feeble by the blitz. And the Denver run-option was kaput.
The Lord raised his hand and pressed a finger, and football was no more.
On the eighth day the Lord put away the dishes: he stacked the plates, he sorted the silverware, and he tossed the Tupperware into the cabinet and closed the door quickly, before it could topple back out.
And the Lord of my stomach spoke yet again. He proclaimed, “For those who follow my Commandments, there will be pie for dessert!”
—
[next week: the Ten Culinary Commandments revealed]
P.S. Biological life is nothing like pecan pie.
From my book, The Naked Bible: An Irreverent Exposure of Bible Verses, Versions, and Meanings that Preachers Dishonestly Ignore, Chapter 22 — “Those Harlots at the Car Wash”
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Despite the claims that religions promote universal love, what they best promote is love-for and loyalty-to the ‘brothers’ in one’s own group.(21) Why? If we look at the nature of social groups, it is highly likely that from the family unit came extended-family units–clans. With further extension we get tribes, collections of actual brothers and sisters and virtual brothers and sisters. These early groups had individuals bonded together for reasons of safety and the procurement and protecti0n of resources. The groups were territorial and competed against other groups. As Paul Ehrlich writes,
“Territories are typically established to protect or monopolize resources, mates, or offspring, and animals may defend territories against a wide variety of potential competitors.” (22)
The human animal is no exception. In fact, we excel at drawing group lines and defending our groups. Furthermore, we often seek to expand our group and to even eliminate competing groups when they get in our way or threaten us. As these Biblical verses testify:
Our sister, may you increase to thousands upon thousands; may your offspring possess the gates of their enemies.” (Genesis 24:60)
“Our sister.” One of us. Where there is an ‘us,’ there is a ‘them.’
I will grant peace in the land, and you will lie down and no one will make you afraid. I will remove savage beasts from the land, and the sword will not pass through your country. You will pursue your enemies, and they will fall by the sword before you. (Leviticus 26:6-7)
Who wouldn’t want a powerful ally like this? Who wouldn’t accept this Lord as their leader?
Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield. (Genesis 15:1)
While a supernatural agent has no real ability to protect you from harm, being part of a strong social group can. By encouraging individuals to follow a mighty leader, individuals gain strength in numbers.
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(21) Wilson, D.S. Darwin’s Cathedral: Evolution, Religion, and the Nature of Society, University of Chicago, Chicago, 2002, p. 217
(22) Ehrlich, P. R., Human Natures: Genes, Cultures, and the Human Prospect, Island Press,Washington, D.C., 2000, p. 177
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