Imagine you have walked over miles of desert sands. You discover a pecan pie. The nuts are spread across the top in an obvious pattern, and the crust has a perfectly crimped edge. It is beautiful. And it smells divine. You conclude, nothing like this could have happened by chance. This pie must therefore have a baker.
The above is my proof that life on earth is not the result of random evolution but of a fulfilled recipe. In other words, where you find a pie, you will always discover a baker . . . unless of course, it is a Marie Calendar pie, in which case, where you find a pie in a cardboard box, you will discover a fully automated factory. But nevermind that.
Allow me to share the first book of my personal Bible. I call it, “The Genesis of Dessert.”
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“This is not real coffee!” the Lord bellowed.
It was the first day, very early, and the Lord of my stomach had made coffee. The Lord had separated the coffee of darkness from the coffee of lightness. Upon sampling the light, he cried in disgust. Upon tasting the coffee of darkness, the pure breakfast beverage, he said, “now this is coffee. And it is good.”
The Lord then divided the Columbian from the beans Arabica, and he drove the lesser beans from the kingdom of the kitchen.
On the second day, the Lord separated the bagel from the English muffin. He sprinkled seeds of the earth, seeds of poppy and seeds of sesame, onto the bagel. He cleaved the bagel. And he toasted it.
The Lord took the whiteness that didn’t belong in the coffee, and he smote the whiteness. Behold, there was butter. The Lord spread the butter over the firmness of the bagel. And it was good.
During the third day, the Lord beheld a potato bun, and a chorus of angels sang. He divided the top half of the bun from the bottom. And it was so. And the Lord said, “let all the condiments be gathered together, and all the luncheon meats be gathered together, and all the luncheon cheeses be gathered together — but not American cheese, for it is the work of the devil.”
And the Lord brought forth from the fruit of the earth some lettuce, some tomato, and some red onion very thinly sliced. From this chaos the Lord fashioned a heavenly sandwich. And it was good enough to knock his socks off, had the Lord been wearing socks.
On the fifth day the Lord flossed his teeth. Upon his toothbrush he laid Super Tarter Control toothpaste. And he brushed. And he gargled.
On the sixth day the toaster became possessed. A great pillar of smoke arose and a vision of Julia Child appeared. Archangel Julia spoke unto The Lord, and he was moved. The Lord took dictation onto an index card. He recorded ten Culinary Commandments. Yay, now all would know the way to eternal . . . salivation.
The Lord searched far and wide for a place to enshrine the most holy index card. And then he knew. The Lord affixed the Commandments to his refrigerator with a kitty-cat magnet.
The Lord descended onto his lounge chair, and he reclined. During this seventh day, he rested.
And on this seventh day the beasts of the earth, the Broncos, took to the field of the chosen team, the Patriots of the air game. Saint Tebow was shewn no mercy, and was made feeble by the blitz. And the Denver run-option was kaput.
The Lord raised his hand and pressed a finger, and football was no more.
On the eighth day the Lord put away the dishes: he stacked the plates, he sorted the silverware, and he tossed the Tupperware into the cabinet and closed the door quickly, before it could topple back out.
And the Lord of my stomach spoke yet again. He proclaimed, “For those who follow my Commandments, there will be pie for dessert!”
—
[next week: the Ten Culinary Commandments revealed]
P.S. Biological life is nothing like pecan pie.
From my book, The Naked Bible: An Irreverent Exposure of Bible Verses, Versions, and Meanings that Preachers Dishonestly Ignore, Chapter 22 — “Those Harlots at the Car Wash”
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If you read the Bible as a quasi-historical, anthropological document, it is an interesting, insightful read. Well, highly repetitive, and quite long, but interesting. If treated as an instruction manual for living in today’s world–not so good. Many people do read it this way. They extract a verse from here and there to support a position they most likely already hold. And sure, the Bible contains some passages with positive teachings. Like turning the other cheek to the person who harmed you so you can take an eye for an eye. Or something. When I read the Bible as a repository of wisdom, however, I find it, in total, better suited as fodder for wisecracks. But then again, I’m a wise-cracking type of guy, so maybe it’s just me. What follows are six verses from the first few books that I fail to find wisdom in and provoked me into poking fun.
1. And thou shalt take of the blood of the bullock, and put it upon the horns of the altar with thy finger, and pour all the blood beside the bottom of the alter. And thou shalt take all the fat that covereth the inwards, and the caul that is above the liver, and the two kidneys, and fat that is upon them, and burn them upon the alter. (Exodus 29:12-13, King James Version)
Making a sacrifice to a god is a form of gambling. Or an investment. You give up something you value—a virgin, a beast, a bunch of banknotes—in hopes your minor gift will reap major rewards. And it works, provided you are very good interpreting the events of your life. If Aunt Mabel is hit by a bus and dies instantly, well, things could have been worse. Fortunately, the god you prayed to in the church you funded was merciful. Mabel could have been run over by a moped and died a slow, painful, embarrassing death.
2. Six days may work be done; but in the seventh is the sabbath of rest, holy to the LORD: whosoever doeth any work in the sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death. (Exodus 31:15)
What constitutes work? Are no dishes to be washed, no fancy foodstuffs prepared? You organized the refrigerator while reaching for the juice . . . oops. That’s work. You shall surely be pelted with ice cubes.
Now, this is just a guess, but maybe the Sabbath needed to be kept holy, with work outlawed, so people would have nothing else to do but go to the temple and keep the belief system alive and kicking. . . . And, very importantly, keep the priests housed and fed. No priests, no religion.
3. And Moses turned, and went down from the mount, and the two tables of the testimony were in his hand: the tables were written on both sides; on the one side and on the other were they written. And the tables were the work of God, and the writing was the writing of God, graven upon the tables. (Exodus 32:15-16)
Doesn’t “both sides” mean one side and the other? Is this a test? A God himself wrote on the tablets–he swears he did. You can check the John Hancock. I think whenever a preacher today tells us he has received a message from his god, people should demand to see it in writing. And then verify the signature.
4. And he said unto them, Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and go in and out from gate to gate throughout the camp, and slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbor. (Exodus 32:27)
If the Lord said, “Go jump off a cliff, and leave your parachute and helmet behind,” would you? If a voice in your head told you to picket (or worse) the local abortion clinic, would you? If the charismatic minister of a mega-church told you to fork over 10% of your earnings to him . . . er, his god . . . and you knew the minister had a country-club membership while you couldn’t afford the greens fees at the local mini-golf fun park, would you? If . . . . Oh, never mind.
5. But ye shall destroy their alters, break their images, and cut down their groves: For thou shalt worship no other God: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God. (Exodus 34:13-14)
What could the almighty, maker of heaven and earth, be jealous of? The lesser gods? Why would the one-and-only most high omniscient and omnibenevolent dude be jealous? Did he covet another god’s congregation?
6. And the priest shall burn them upon the altar: it is the food of the offering made by the fire for a sweet savour: all of the fat is the LORD’S. (Leviticus 3:16)
Why are the bones not the Lord’s? Who gets the bones? What about the liver? Save the liver! (From the Julia Childs Cooking Bible, chapter 3, verse 11.) Fat burns impressively, giving off smoke and and smell. Meat and not bones, not so much. Imagine a religion today that insisted their god got all the meat, the preachers the fat, and the people the bones. My guess is that one wouldn’t be very popular. And their festival feasts would be soupy affairs.
With the advent of Christianity, you could say “God” issued a new and improved, expanded version of his book. Why a god’s book would need to be revised is a good question. As to whether the new material is any better than the old, my verdict is . . . maybe kinda sorta, but not really. Like a Frankenstein sent to charm school, there is a superficial improvement. But ultimately what you are left with in the Bible is a patchwork of sophomoric teachings coupled with an obsolete worldview. Not to mention the hell thing. Which was a revision that hardly qualifies as a step forward.
Consider the following six verses from Matthew.
1) But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. (5:28, King James Version)
You got a Y-chromosome-you’re guilty. What male can look at a sexy babe and not think and/or feel, “Now that’s one sexy babe!?” The answer: A male lacking the urge to make whoopee and thus make babies, intentionally or not. Of course, that you have lust in your heart, or in your pants for that matter, doesn’t mean you will act upon it. And that should be the issue: actions.
2) Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: But lay up for yourself treasures in heaven, where neither moth not rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through and steal. (6:19-20)
This preaching is a salve for the beaten and the broke–those early lower-class believers living in a land regularly torn by war, in cities and villages oppressed by the Roman Empire and the ruling classes. For them, relief and luxury will come later. Today’s affluent American,however, need not worry. It is metaphor. Their god is not going curse the Brooks Brothers suits in the closet nor condemn the Mercedes in the garage. And thanks to scientific advancements, believers can purchase insecticide at the local hardware store for the moth problem and a can of Rustoleum for the rust.
3) Ask, and it shall be given to you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.(7:7)
Wouldn’t that be nice. Sure, expend effort at something and your efforts are likely to bring progress. But, “it will be given to you”? Every day countless Christians engage in honest asking. And they get a null result. My translation: “Aquarius through Pisces–You are a person with sincere desires; you will encounter advances among your setbacks.”
4) And, behold, they brought to him a man sick of the palsy, lying on a bed: and Jesus seeing their faith said unto the sick of the palsy; Son, be of good cheer; thy sins be forgiven thee.(9:2)
Rather than the germ theory of disease, this is the ancient “sin theory.” In some circles today, the sin theory has been updated and revised into the “energy field” theory.” You sick? Your energy field is out of whack–needs to be re-balanced. Thankfully, today we have science-based medicine to rely upon.
5) And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house or city, shake off the dust of your feet. (10:14)
It seems you don’t want to be defiled by the dirt of nonbelievers. Just as holy water has greater restorative powers than tap water, apparently dirty dirt might trip you up. My translation: “To those who don’t agree with thee, turn up thy nose.” Is this really a transcendent teaching?
6) Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. (10:34-35)
So speaks the supposed prince of peace, the “moral philosopher” who is all about family values.
Have I taken a verse out of context? In a sense, yes. But this is what preachers do every Sunday. They stitch together assorted verses to generate a message that suits their desires and needs while failing to provide any wider context: historical, anthropological, religious, philosophical, etc.
Is the New Testament a good book? It depends on what you compare it to.
Not a half mile from our house is a small church that sits beneath tall oaks. Last holiday season the marquee in front of it featured the following Bible verse:
The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel” (Matthew 1:23, New International Version).
Upon spying it I wondered, “Why don’t Christians across the globe speak of Immanuel as their personal lord and savior? Why, when weekend carpenters smash their thumbs with a hammer, do they not cry out Immanuel Friggin’ Christ!”
Conduct a keyword search of the Bible for “Immanuel” and you will get 4 hits. Three are in the Old Testament and one is in the New. Why did Matthew write, they will call him Immanuel, when they obviously didn’t and don’t?
The answer, to those with clear minds and honest dispositions, is that Matthew needed to elevate his favorite messiah (the meaning of “Christ”) above all others. And so Matthew refers to a “prophecy” contained in the Old Testament. Trouble is, the prophecy didn’t mention a Jesus. But Matthew used it anyway.
Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel. (Isaiah 7:14).
Matthew’s verse is bogus in another way: He intentionally or ignorantly mistranslates the Hebrew “alma” — which means “young woman” — as “virgin.” To confirm this, consult the Hebrew Bible. Most Christian Bibles continue to “correct” Matthew’s mistake by wording Isaiah in the form favorable to their dogma. Essential, even.
More mind-boggling is Matthew’s assertion that they will call the miraculous child “Immanuel.” Again, they didn’t and don’t. Nowhere else in the New Testament does the name appear. Not a single additional mention.
Weird.
This coming December 25th, how many Christian parents will instruct their child to put the small figurine of “baby Immanuel” into the family’s miniature Nativity scene? My bet is next to zero. And that’s how much sense quoting that particular passage of Matthew makes. To outsiders such is the nature of religious dogma in general. Not because outsiders can’t see the truth. Because they freely can.
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